Lately, I’ve had my head and heart in all things grief. I’ve been studying, reviewing, and preparing for some upcoming presentations. I’ve been reading and re-reading some of my most valuable resources.
I’ve also been watching the unfolding health crisis of a loved one from afar. While there is fear, sadness, and scariness attached to this loved one’s present experience, I’m also reminded of just how much others play a part in our healing journeys.
This loved one has a wide-ranging and years spanning group of friends and family – friends who in fact are family in so many ways.
They’ve become what I call “framily.” As framily, they continually astonish our family with their support, encouraging words of hope, presence and cheering on from the sidelines. The depth of this framily is carrying our blood family.
I am reminded of my own sister’s framily – those in her community who supported her long-time health struggles. They offered encouragement and inspired her over the course of years as she navigated difficult health occurrences. For instance, friends opened their home so that she had a ground-floor place to stay while healing from a knee injury. Both she and her dog stayed in that first-floor bedroom for a healing time.
When she was hospitalized, a mutual friend of hers and mine met me at the airport, in the wee hours taking me to the hospital where she was being cared for. The next day, another friend took me to where her car was parked at work. After living in another city for 30 years, she had an extensive framily that stepped up and cared for our other sister and I as we arrived for multiple emergency visits.
It is this same kind of framily-ship that has shown up in support of this present-moment health crisis.
Here’s what I’ve come to know. It is important to show up.
I may not show up with all the right words to say, or even with any knowledge of what to say or do, but I can show up with my fullest self.
I can show up at the hospital waiting room and sit with a friend. I can show up at the front door with a meal in hand. I can show up and offer to help in some specific way (there are many who say, “let me know how I can help,” but the person in need often doesn’t know what they need). Instead, I can say, “I’m going to the grocery, text me what you need.” I can say, “I know you are juggling a lot, can I cut the grass for you?” I can say, “I’m flying in to help on Thursday. Don’t worry about picking me up at the airport, I’ll text and find my way to you.”
Showing up also looks like coming to a visitation and funeral for someone you never met. Maybe the person you know is their daughter, sister, or brother. When you show up, you are standing in what Parker Palmer calls the “tragic gap.” You are providing support in the form of presence and witness. You are providing solidarity.
You provide care just by being there.
Fortunately, we all have different gifts and strengths. Leaning into your strengths – those things you do well such as organizing, gardening (flowers in bloom you can cut and take), baking, washing dishes, laundry, carpooling… These same things that you are capable of doing might be just the thing your friend needs. In the present situation, you don’t need to have any knowledge or special answers or resources.
You just need to show up in the ways you can.
