One of the biggest surprises of a death loss is the overwhelming sense of loneliness that follows. It doesn’t matter who died, your loss may leave you feeling isolated and alone in your grief.
Early in your loss experience, it can be normal or even helpful to rest in the challenging feelings you are living. It can be helpful to slow down, minimize activities, rest more and find ways to be peacefully with your loss. Grief is exhausting so this is a time to listen to yourself; what do you need more of? Quiet? Sleep? Limited time with your closest family or friends? During this time, give yourself the grace to say yes and then no to events or invitations. To back out of invitations if you aren’t feeling up to it.
Those around you will respond to your loss in lots of different ways, too.
They may be uncomfortable with your feelings and find it difficult to be supportive. You may find that your trusted circle shrinks or shifts and changes for a time. Surround yourself when you can with those who can encourage you as well as sit quietly with your grief.
Another layer of the sense of isolation is the feeling that you don’t know anyone else who has had an experience like yours. You may be the first in your peer group to lose parents or a sibling. While others are caregiving for aging parents, you are responsible for selling or disposing of a lifetime of things. Perhaps you’ve lost one or both parents -both you and they were a “young” age to have this experience. Or perhaps you suddenly lose a sibling, a child, a cousin, or a friend. And those losses feel particularly out of order.
Any of these out of order losses can leave you feeling isolated and alone. None of your friends or acquaintances have had a loss like yours. When you speak of your experience, you find that others listen in caring ways for a time. But your on-going grief may eventually be treated with an unspoken or spoken “aren’t you over this yet.” So, you respond by not speaking about your loss anymore. Because you stop talking about your loved one, you may feel even more isolated.
Family members are all coping with this loss too.
Some have a desire and are comfortable to reminisce about your loved ones. Others may not want to talk about that person, The person who was once an important member of your family has all but disappeared into the mists of change and loss. Not speaking of the person any more is its own special kind of sorrow.
If this is your experience, I am sorry.
In your current experience of grief, I invite you to take all the time you need. Choose and hold fast to things and people that are able to affirm your loss experience. Seek them out when you need to. Identify one or two people whom you can call day or night. Give yourself grace in this season of loss trusting that your loss will shift and change. You will learn new things about yourself from your grief experience. What you learn will help you have compassion for those who are mourning. It will also help you navigate future losses.
Even when you may feel most alone in your grief, know that you are not alone. Reach out for the support you need including the encouragement of a coach or therapist. You will awaken from you grief into a rich, full and wholehearted life again.
If this resonates with you, let’s chat!
A watershed moments coach can come alongside your experience of grief and loss providing support, encouragement, education about the nature of grief and insight that can assist you as you mourn. Collaborating with a coach is an investment in finding your way forward after a significant life change. Connect with us for a brief introductory conversation where we will explore whether we are a fit for your current grief needs. Click here to schedule a no-charge, 20-minute conversation where we will learn more about one another.
