Grief Your Way

Grief is such a personal experience. Your own grief experience depends on many factors ranging from the type of loss (death, non-death, divorce, empty nest, change in your health or someone else’s) to details surrounding the loss itself. How you experience your loss depends on whether it was sudden or occurred after many months or even years. Some losses have been decades in the making, after all. And some losses are filled with joy, wonder, sadness, doubt, regret, and a sense of changed identity. 

Know that you get to have your own, very personal, experience of grief. 

There is no one right way to move through the watershed moments created by a loss. And even losses that are seemingly small, can hold a wide array of deep feelings. 

Many well-meaning people may say things that don’t feel so supportive during your grief process. They may wonder out loud why you are still grieving or haven’t “gotten over it.” They may speak or act as if your process is too messy…because they are uncomfortable with what your feelings may be. They may compare your journey to their own or those of other people they know. Sometimes they will interrupt your own feelings to share theirs.

 Comparison with the process of others is unhelpful and even harmful. 

Know that everything you feel, know and experience as you mourn is valid and worthy of your attention. Everything. You get to take all the time you need to mourn your loss. And you do not have to compare or measure your experience against that of any other person. 

Your heart is tender. What you are going through is very personal. 

Trust that this is a process – it will unfold naturally, and you will find comfort, healing, and peace as you move through it. Do what you can to support yourself through this process with grace towards yourself. Although our culture doesn’t want you to take your time – you get to create ways to take all the time you need. 

For instance, you will need to return to work. That doesn’t mean that you are powerless about how you return to work. You can speak for what you need – easing back to work on a partial schedule. Negotiating to have assistance or more time with your projects. Or negotiating for more time off. It can feel hard to do these things and it may be absolutely the best way to honor what you need in the present season of your life. 

While it may feel as if you have to hurry up and “fix” your grief, the process is really more counterintuitive. You can’t fix it as much as you can live alongside it with all the care and consideration for your self that you would give to your best friend. You can choose to be your own best companion. And you get to choose what needs to focus on in your own timing. As much as you can give yourself permission to be kind to your feelings of grief and loss. 

The more you can tend to and honor them, the more the intensity will ease. Soon you will begin to find your way forward again.

There’s no right or wrong way to feel, and it’s okay to seek out help if needed. Share a self-care practice that has helped you cope with grief.