It doesn’t really matter if you are the one asking for the divorce or responding to the request for one, it is hard. I’ve learned that it also doesn’t matter how long you were together before the divorce. 

Getting a divorce is choosing an ending. 

When I got married the first time, I never imagined getting divorced. I don’t know anyone who thinks, oh, well if it doesn’t work…. Rather, as a young and “in love,” adult it is a choice made with an eye to a long haul I didn’t really understand. That’s why traditional vows say “in sickness and in health…” because as young adults, we can’t even begin to imagine what in sickness and in health might mean. 

I guess that’s a good thing of getting married in my late 20’s. Having no idea what life could bring. Blending our two lives, plus being present in the fuller family lives of others. Extended family and all the family drama that came with it. Some of it was good but that too had its own form of hard. 

Still, after all the years of effort, it was just plain hard and sad to divorce. 

Not only did it involve the death of a marriage it included dividing belongings, ending relationships, unraveling the language of being a couple. The process was fraught with terrible and painful moments, days, weeks, and months. 

Agreeing to the terms of the divorce. Signing papers. Packing boxes and watching belongings leave. All the steps left behind empty spaces that I didn’t quite know what to do with. At the beginning, it felt like I’d fallen into an alternate universe – a place where I no longer knew myself or how to move about in the world. 

I think this sense of being lost is a characteristic of death losses too. 

Troubling, hard to navigate, uncertain. I remember the feeling that I didn’t even know how to eat or what to wear anymore. Who was I if I were no longer a wife? I asked myself this kind of question after both my parents were gone – was I no longer a daughter? 

Gratefully, I’ve discovered growth in my divorce afterlife. Divorce gave me freedoms I didn’t have before. It opened doors to opportunities I’d not considered. It also opened doors to ways of being I felt I’d lost in the messiness of that marriage. 

Healing after this loss was a long transition. 

I did have to learn to eat by first learning to grocery shop for one. It gave me a chance to practice being curious; what foods did I like and not like? What places did I want to shop? In my married life, I had shopped at Costco, and as a single person, the quantity of anything there was simply too much for me alone. It was a relief to stop going there. 

I found myself drawn to the smallness of Trader Joe’s. I dug in and got curious. I experimented with foods. Discovering things I preferred to eat. A friend gifted me with a sample week of foods from a delivery service. It was wonderful – it arrived with enough food supplies for several meals. New recipes that were easy to prepare made for fun eating. This became part of getting out of the rut that had become that and many other parts of my life. 

Divorce occurred for me several years ago. Even as I’ve written about other personal losses, I’ve not shared about the grief of divorce. As I write now, I find that there are many areas of growth that came from that great loss. I’m so grateful. Yes, it was hard. 

And, eventually, the grief of it all shifted towards the new life I’ve lived my way into. 

As you navigate the transitions of divorce loss, you may find comfort, insight, and further healing by working with a coach. As a grief coach, I work with people navigating the spaces of different kinds of loss. Making meaning is an essential navigational tool for moving forward in the messy emotions of grief. 

If you are coaching curious or simply needing a way to explore the questions of the moment, I invite you to sign up for the 45-minute Live the Questions offering. 

This is an effective way to learn about the co-collaborative process of coaching, as well as gaining insight about your own grief needs and how coaching might support them.