Recently, I’ve spoken to two different groups about the idea that we are always having experiences for the first time. I, for one, forget this. Often. 

Somehow, I think I should already know how to do something before I ever do it. Of course, this means that when I try something new and it doesn’t go perfectly or even well, I feel like a failure. I consistently have high expectations for myself. Okay, and maybe a bit of perfectionism. 

But now, I’ve been saying to myself, “This is the first time…” 

As in, this is the first time you’ve been married for the second time. This is the first time I’ve lived in Arizona. This is the first time I’ve worked the way I do now. This is the first time I’ve focused on public speaking. This is the first time I’ve navigated the changes of being in my 60s. 

All of these “firsts” and more come as a surprise sometimes. If I can give myself grace and the gift of curiosity, I can think differently about this first time. I don’t have to know exactly how to do it because it’s the first time. In fact, I can graciously make mistakes. I can curiously experiment. I can release old messages like “do it right the first time or don’t do it at all…” I can consider myself a beginner. 

When it comes to grief, I’ve learned that it is almost always a first-time experience. 

For instance, when my dad died, it was the first time I lost a parent. When my mom died, I intentionally sought to take what I’d learned from my dad’s death and apply it to my mom’s. That was okay, but I discovered that I was still in a first-time experience. It was the first time I lost my mom. 

Until these losses, how could I possibly know how to do them? And when my sister Lisa died, it was the first time to lose a sibling. So, although I kept learning about grief and caring for myself when I was mourning, I was also learning about the loss itself. 

Rather than being self-critical about not knowing how to do something, I get to keep learning. (Which happens to be one of the gifts of aging.) I can practice learning something new. I can practice building the skills of a beginner even in my 60s. I can practice being curious, creative, and resilient. 

I can practice thinking about things as opportunities rather than obstacles. 

Even when something is hard and grief-inducing, I can give myself the gift of memory. One important memory is that I have done hard things before. You have too! In this moment, I invite you to remember one hard thing you’ve done – and what you learned from it. In those memories are the things you’ll need to know for the next new thing! 

As you navigate the transitions of your life, you may find comfort, insight, and further healing by working with a coach. As a grief coach, I work with people navigating the spaces of different kinds of loss. Curiosity and creativity are essential navigational tools for finding your way.  

If you are coaching curious or simply needing a way to explore the questions of the moment, I invite you to sign up for the 45-minute Live the Questions offering. 

This is an effective way to learn about the co-collaborative process of coaching, as well as gaining insight about your own grief needs and how coaching might support them.