The end of my first marriage was followed closely by the sudden death of one of my younger sisters. It was a hard experience, these two losses back-to-back. An actual death loss and an ending of something that had been a part of my life for 28 years. 

While starkly different, they were weirdly similar loss events. Both had traumatic elements. Both felt sudden even though both had been arriving for months. Both felt, were and remain life altering. They’ve each required their own attention toward healing. 

I wonder if you’ve had a similar experience. One where two or more traumatic events have happened in a relatively short time? 

What my losses have taught me is that grief is very, very personal. Some losses feel intense while others do not. Some have a high level of energy and impact while others come with changes that were necessary. Close together losses may feel connected to one another even when they are separate experiences. 

Other people have taught me that there are many variables to the way losses feel. 

There are no right or wrong ways to experience losses that stack on top of one another. It isn’t necessary to compare how you might be doing with your loss experience with someone else’s either. That’s exactly where it gets personal. 

How you experience your grief is influenced by many things. You may have experienced other deep traumas before the loss event. You may have been estranged from one another. Your relationship might have been loving or strained. Or the person who died had suffered a long and difficult illness – making the loss a bit more like relief. (This could be true of a difficult marriage’s ending too.) 

Mental health and burned bridges from the past, addictions, challenging choices that affected the relationship, family history all play a part. 

I invite you to be gentle with yourself in this season of loss. Instead of evaluating how someone else is handling their grief, or comparing yourself with their experience, you may choose differently. You may choose to look on your experiences with soft eyes. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings as they arrive. When you can, try not to judge yourself harshly. Whether this is your first or your 21st grief experience, give yourself gracious space to take in the truths of your loss. 

Over time, new truths and insights will emerge. 

Some of the emotion of your experience will ease. The intensity of your loss will take a different shape when you give yourself permission to sit kindly with it. Allow what shows up to come – and welcome it with as much curiosity as you can muster. 

As you navigate your grief transitions, you may find comfort, insight and further healing by working with a coach. As a grief coach, I work with people navigating the spaces of loss. Making meaning is an essential navigational tool for moving forward in the messy emotions of grief. 

If you are coaching curious or simply needing a way to explore the questions of the moment, I invite you to sign up for the 45-minute Live the Questions offering. 

This is an effective way to learn about the co-collaborative process of coaching as well as gaining insight about your own grief needs and how coaching might support them.