Many people reach adulthood before they attend a funeral. Funerals can feel intimidating even under the best of circumstances. 

Here are some things to remember about a funeral, celebration of life or memorial service. 

First, this is a solemn and sacred ceremony. Someone has died. Others have been left behind and are grieving their loss. Deaths come in all shapes and sizes – after long illnesses or declines. After the loss of cognitive or physical abilities. After much suffering. Or quite suddenly and unexpectedly. 

You may arrive at the funeral home without knowing the details of the death. Even if you are curious to learn more, this is not the time or place. What you need to know is that someone has died leaving behind people who love him or her. Hearts are broken. 

This is a time to be compassionate, caring and to offer support in ways that you can. 

Most people tell me they worry about what to say. You can be heartfelt with your words and provide compassionate support that is needed in this moment of loss. 

You can offer support with few words instead giving a hug, holding someone’s hands, gently smiling or looking them in the eye. People often say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” You could also say, “This is so difficult. I know you are sad. I’m holding you in my thoughts/prayers.” 

If you knew the person who died, you can share a warm memory or thought about that person. “Wherever I encountered him I was greeted with his glowing smile and a warm hug.” “I’ll always think of her when I see peonies blooming in a front yard.” 

Even if you didn’t know the person who died, you can show your support by offering your condolences and respects. 

This might look like saying something comforting such as: 

“I never met your dad and I’ve heard so much about his sense of humor, OR …about his love for his grandchildren.” 

“You mean so much to me as a friend that I just wanted to be here to support you.” 

“I want to support you as your grief unfolds so I’ll be in touch so that we can have coffee or go for a walk.” 

“I’d like to help where I can. May I come by and cut your grass each week for the month of July?” “I’m happy to drive the school, swimming lessons, after school carpool for the next couple of weeks.” Offering specific ways you can help is the most supportive thing you can do. Saying “let me know how I can help,” is too ambiguous and makes it harder for the one who is mourning…they may not even know what help they need yet let alone how to ask for it.   

Tears may be a part of other people’s or your own experience when attending a funeral or celebration of life service. Funerals are safe spaces for all the emotions of loss. If you feel teary, know that you are in good company – others in attendance my feel the loss too. There is no one right or way for any of us to mourn the death of someone dear to us. 

It’s okay if tears arrive with you. 

While it can be intimidating, remember that in attending you are demonstrating love and support for the immediate family. Your care giving in this way is a generosity of spirit. Funerals are imperfect places of love – your presence makes a difference to those who are mourning. 

As a grief coach I work with people navigating the spaces of loss. As a funeral celebrant, I join families in their worst days to co-create ceremonies of meaning. Making meaning is an essential navigational tool for moving forward in the messy emotions of grief. 

I also work with individuals as a grief coach. If you are coaching curious or simply needing a way to explore the questions of the moment, I invite you to sign up for the 45-minute Live the Questions offering. 

This is an effective way to learn about the co-collaborative process of coaching as well as gaining insight about your own grief needs and how coaching might support them.