Grief brings us into new encounters with ourselves and others. My own losses taught me that I wasn’t very good at asking for or accepting help. In fact, I rarely asked for help at all – instead trying to muscle through my loss experiences with willpower alone. Slowly, I learned that it didn’t have to be that way. 

In fact, there were people around me who wanted to help.

Yet, accepting help from others can be hard. Even when it’s needed the most, we may struggle to accept what is available to us. Accepting help brings up lots of feelings; doubt, shame, self-criticism, judgment of oneself, or fear of judgment from others to name a few. Our culture tells us that this is something to manage on our own. 

Because our feelings can be so fraught we may act as if we are okay or decline kind help when it appears. Yet, as humans we are not designed to go through difficult things by ourselves. We need one another for care, encouragement, support, and words of wisdom. 

When circumstances push us beyond our limits, our first instinct might be to isolate ourselves. It can seem as if this time of isolation is fruitful – and in some cases, it is an important way to rest. Yet, too much isolation can leave us even further from accepting help when we need it. 

Take a moment to consider ways that people have helped you in times of need. What has that looked like? How did it feel to receive it? 

What I’ve learned is that receiving help is a two-fold experience. When we can receive, we benefit from the support that is provided. It helps us make room for all the feelings of our current moment. It can also give us an understanding of our place in our family or community. Receiving help is a relief taking the pressure off ourselves and resting on whatever has been offered. It even helps to know that we are seen by others. 

Receiving help also strengthens our relationships with others. 

Often, we want to remain in the role of giving. That role is okay, but it can also leave us in a different kind of deficit. People who have helped me have taught me the value of giving back to me. I had previously supported them somehow – and it meant a lot to them to return the help. 

It is a special kind of reciprocity. Where being the one to help also helps both parties. When we decline needed help, we don’t make more room in our relationships, instead we squish down – both denying that we too have needs and turning away help. 

As an oldest child, I thought I wasn’t supposed to need help – only give it. I was told to “be the responsible one,” which ultimately meant I hid my need for help. When my younger sisters helped me, I got in the way or even resented their efforts. That is until my situation was dire. Then, I needed their support and help. They showed up. I couldn’t have gotten through my most difficult situations without their help. 

All that to say I had to rethink the impact of helping AND receiving help. Everyone needs to feel valued! We value our friends and family when we can accept offered help as well as give it. 

From receiving needed help, is only a small step to gratitude. 

I find that my view gets much bigger, and everything becomes more abundant even my stingy little thinking, when I receive help. I have so much to be thankful for in hard times – most of all the love, help, and support of others. You know who you are! 

If you are struggling to find your footing in your grief process, it might be a good time to ask for help. Consider reaching out to your pastor, a therapist, or a grief coach. 

As a grief coach, I work with people navigating the space between loss and life reconstruction. If you are coaching curious or simply need a way to explore the questions of the moment, I invite you to sign up for the 45-minute Live the Questions offering. 

This is an effective way to learn about the co-collaborative process of coaching as well as gaining insight about your own needs and how coaching might support them.