Our experiences of grief and loss can be confusing. Grief can bring on feelings of sorrow, uncertainty, and regret. When we think of our loved one, we may also discover feelings of tenderness and comfort. Sadness and gladness can be present at the same time. For instance, while we miss the loved one who has died, we can also feel the warm glow of who they were to us. 

My mother died in 2006. I think of her often and feel the depths of losing my mom alongside the relief that she is no longer suffering from the lung cancer that took her life. These side-by-side feelings can be so uncomfortable and confusing. 

I could judge myself harshly for holding feelings of sadness alongside relief or I could choose, at any given moment, to find a memory that I can live into. 

The Wave

Every time I left my mother’s home, she came to the back door to wave me away. Even when I lived with her as an adult, moving back to Indiana from Texas, if I were leaving to go somewhere she would wave. She might be in her barn clothes, sweats and slippers, or even her signature red bathrobe, no matter, she would be waving.

Now, some 18 years later, I hold this memory as very dear. I can picture her in my mind’s eye, at the door waving. I’m reminded that this was a standard for any visitor to our home. She instilled in us the need to walk guests to the door and wave goodbye. It was a polite convention she insisted on. To me, it has become a way to carry on her legacy. I can walk visitors to the door or out onto the driveway when they leave. I often stay until they are out of sight. 

Most of all, this memory makes me consider other things. 

My mother’s generous hospitality. Ways in which she created a sense of invitation and home for anyone. I wonder if it was that same intention that she put into her tradition of waving goodbye. No matter what, she was waving goodbye and waving me on into the future. The day ahead, the seasons I’ve seen without her all punctuated by her wave goodbye. 

So, it is with a sense of the bittersweet that we both long for and feel sad about the absence of a loved one – and in their memory, find comfort and solace. We get to seek ways to remember with love and joy who they were, how they lived, and what they meant or continue to mean to us. Isn’t memory a lovely gift? 

I saw this beautiful clip online – while designed to help children understand grief, I think like much of Sesame Street, it can help us adults too. Have a look! 

Click Here –> Andrew Garfield and Elmo Explain Grief | Sesame Workshop

The time after a loved one dies can be challenging and healing. If you would like to find support during this life transition, reach out. Let’s do a discover session to learn more about one another and what coaching might be like in support of your journey.