Several years ago, I was in another city attending the funeral of a friend’s parent. I had recently been through the loss of a sister and a divorce so losses and changes were heavy on my heart.
I knew this friend’s parent and her family. We had a shared history of many years. It was important to me to be there. Before leaving my own hometown, I had looked at a house. It was charming and completely different from my divorce house. I fell in love with it but felt I needed a second look and more time before making a move. The realtor and I spoke about making an offer but, the other interested buyers were out of town, so we thought I had time for another look after the weekend.
All this to say that it was quite a surprise when, on the way to lunch, my realtor called and said there was an offer on the table. If I wanted this house, I needed to make an offer too. Before the end of the day. The funeral would start in about 2 hours – enough time to drop me off at the hotel to put in an offer while they all went to lunch.
As I got out of the car, my friend’s brother said, “Go big or go home.” Sometimes I think about that moment and the expression too.
What does it mean to go big or go home? In my online search about that expression, I read that it implies a challenge to commit wholeheartedly or to step back completely. It encourages an all-or-nothing approach. In fact, it may encourage an audacious commitment to an endeavor or adventure.
Usually, I don’t care for either/or type expressions. I would much prefer to stay in a more curious and cautious place of both/and. Not all or nothing as this expression implies.
Nothing is all or nothing, is it?
And yet, there are times when we as women hesitate. When we might choose what seems “safer” over what is possible or could turn out better than we imagine. When we in fact fold rather than committing deeply to something our spirit may be calling us to. Can you think of any of those moments in your own life? When you felt so drawn to something and in a moment of clarity you were called upon to choose. To go big or go home?
There is a piece written by Mary Oliver that begins with the words “If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate.” She speaks to places where the response to joy, hope, or something bigger than us could very well be “going big.”
What if Oliver hit on the discernment point needed for a “go big” decision?
That really, to “go big” and trust the process of going big we need a big feeling like joy as an indicator. What if “going big” is led by joy or hope or excitement or a great big yes? Or what if “go big” is led by something that looks more like “I can’t not not do whatever it is?” If I don’t take this risk, where will I be in six months or a year? Will anything have changed for me?
After that “go big or go home” moment, I did make an offer on the house.
My offer was accepted too…for a house that I’d seen once and fallen for. A house that I lived in for six years with a newfound joy after big losses in my life. I know now that it was truly a gift, a privilege, a grace in its underserved nature. This house became a home of hope and recovery after years of difficulty, stress, and struggle. A safe place for my heart. It was truly an audacious decision.
Here’s the complete Mary Oliver poem in case you want to contemplate this further.
If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the
case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.
Working with a life transition coach is an excellent way to uncover the possibilities after a life-changing loss. A coach can ask questions, listen, reflect, and help you discern your next steps. Can help you look for the healing embedded in the moments of your loss or change or major transition.
As Oliver concludes, “Joy is not meant to be a crumb.” Neither is living into your life after loss. Reach out to learn about co-collaborating with me as your coach!
A watershed moments coach can come alongside your experience of grief and loss providing support, encouragement, education about the nature of grief and insight that can assist you as you mourn. Collaborating with a coach is an investment in finding your way forward after a significant life change. Connect with us for a brief introductory conversation where we will explore whether we are a fit for your current grief needs. Click here to schedule a no-charge, 20-minute conversation where we will learn more about one another.