People who are grieving often apologize to me about their tears or strong emotions. Why do any of us do that? 

Because it is vulnerable when our feelings bubble up out of our eyes and roll down our cheeks. 

And yet, there are very real feelings attached to the different kinds of losses we are experiencing. In any given moment, our grief can show up and take us down. 

I remember an October trip to a World Market store in my then-hometown. Because it was October I was totally unprepared for the abundance of Christmas holiday decorations already available for purchase. I became suddenly overwhelmed by these decorations and the astonishing fact that I would be spending Christmas without my sister Lisa. 

In my overwhelm I burst into tears. I really mean burst into tears. 

I was with a friend who was walking ahead of me in the store. They turned around looking for me and were both astonished and immediately compassionate in that moment. I was clearly blubbering and trying to stuff my sorrow back into my body.

I did not know this friend well and remember being mortified that I could not manage my feelings. I was clearly not okay.

My friend was not mortified. Even though she wasn’t sure why I was crying, she opened her arms wide, and I walked into them. She held on and waited. I was so broken up that I couldn’t speak. When I tried feelings poured out and I cried harder. She waited patiently. 

Finally, I was able to express my sadness over the death of my sister – and what it would mean to have this Christmas holiday – weeks away yet, without her. The reality of it felt overwhelming and terrible. 

I will always remember this moment because my friend created safety for me. Right there in the middle of the store.  My experience taught me a lot about what it means to feel all the feelings that arise with a loss. 

Holding in our feelings is exhausting. I think they become even more so when we try to keep a lid on them. 

It is also a health threat to stuff our feelings because of the myriad ways emotions affect our very cells. There are many consequences from not attending to the feelings we have when we experience a life loss. So, while it is vulnerable to share our feelings, to name that we are not okay rather than pretending we are, there are also healthy alternatives. 

By giving ourselves grace about our feelings – even the really hard ones such as anger, regret, doubt, remorse and sadness – we actually, slowly begin to feel a bit better. Allowing room for our feelings gives us the space we need to find healing. Feeling the feelings means we can come alongside them with compassion for ourselves (and eventually others). 

And, if your feelings continue to be so large and overwhelming, you can seek support and encouragement in the form of a life transition coach. No on should have to navigate their feelings alone.