Beginner’s Mind 

I often hear people speak about finding their new normal after a significant loss. What this looks like varies at the individual level. For many, me included, what became my life after my losses looks nothing like the “normal” I had before. 

I recently read this quote I’d written in some notes to myself. 

“We can never be the person we were before our loss, so we aren’t learning to be that person again. Instead, we are learning to invent ourselves and our “new normal” after loss.” -author unknown 

It takes so much energy to invent ourselves anew. From those I serve, as well as my own experiences, I’ve learned that loss has its own influence on who we become in the aftermath. It isn’t easy. And it is possible to find a wholehearted living. It takes a ton of curiosity, courage, and energy. It takes time. It takes circles of support – people who listen with compassion and without judgment or criticism. It takes loving yourself and being patient as the newness appears. 

Beginner’s mind 

Holding a beginner’s mind is a mindset practice. It is about being willing to see everything as if for the first time. To see whatever is unfolding, seeing it with curiosity rather than judgment. With openness rather than closed-off caution. 

When I began to think more deeply about beginner’s mind it occurred to me that I wasn’t totally a beginner even when I was. I already had an accumulation of inner tools including knowledge of my own strengths and weaknesses. I could begin in the aftermath of my losses understanding that I wasn’t starting from scratch. 

At the same time, having a beginner’s mind means seeing with soft eyes what may be possible. 

For instance, when my husband and I first decided to venture into marriage (both of us were previously divorced) we would say “It’s not our first rodeo.” We stopped saying that after a time. Because we realized that it was our first time getting married after divorce. It was our first time getting married at 60 years of age. It was our first time to blend our two lives that were influenced by individual experiences, culture, faith, and much more. Having a beginner’s mind gave us a different perspective – we are learning, all over again, what it means to be married. 

What “first” experience are you in as an adult? Perhaps you are finding your way without any parents. Or you are experiencing a life changed by divorce. Maybe you’ve lost a sibling and in doing that have become an only child or the primary caregiver for your parents. Maybe you are a single parent whose last child has left home – your parenting responsibilities have changed. These are just a few places where you may need to practice having a beginner’s mind. 

There is freedom in a beginner’s mind. 

This could be a time to open yourself to choosing new things. Is there something you have always wanted to try? A place you’ve longed to visit? An activity…play the ukelele, learn to swim or sing, join a hiking or birding club, participate in an improv class? 

Inside the state of a beginner’s mind, you can consider yourself to be trying something new. Sit with that thought – how did you approach new things as a child? Did you expect yourself to know how to ride a bike as soon as you put your feet to the pedals? Did you think you should already have known how to play the piano the first time you sat at the keyboard? This is a time to leave your personal critic at the door and open to the next steps without judgment. 

You can practice your beginner’s mind with bigger things too. 

Maybe you get to find a new place to live, buy a new car, and make decisions about things you need or no longer need. Tapping into a beginner’s mind will help you find curiosity in hard, after-loss moments. Rather than holding these decisions with a sense of dread, you could look at them with a sense of wonder. You get to make new choices, some that you may never have made if your watershed moment hadn’t occurred.  

What action are you facing at this moment? Can you apply the beginner’s mind to deciding or taking a step in a new direction? Leave a comment about a beginner’s mind experience you’ve had. 

A life transition coach can offer you encouragement and assistance as you seek to put a beginner’s mind into play.